Breaking My Own Heart
by Ava Chanel
Summary: What he doesn't know will never hurt him. Cloud/Aerith one-shot.


**A/N:** _Something I wrote up for a friend. :) Enjoy!_

_"How do you feel? That is the question,_  
><em>But I forget you don't expect an easy answer<em>,  
><em>When something like a soul becomes initialized<em>,  
><em>And folded up like paper dolls and little notes<em>,  
><em>You can't expect a bit of folks<em>..."

Through Glass, Stone Sour

**Breaking My Own Heart**

**Summary:** What he doesn't know will never hurt him.

He asks me why I did it.

He is angry with me, sad at me, worried about me, and disappointed in me. He just wants answers, is that too much to ask for?

He's taking things too seriously and he needs to relax; all this thinking is giving him wrinkles and I don't like that look on him.

My jokes bother him sometimes because he finds them inappropriate. He needs to lighten up and quit brooding if a joke gets under his skin. His laugh is contagious and beautiful but he rarely graces us with it these days.

He really needs to quit pouting, it makes him look childish. And I am not his mother.

He wonders when I'll get to ever answering his question and start taking him seriously. I make a serious face, one that is similar to his and answer negatively, knowing how it'll only further aggravate him and grind on his nerves. Hand on his hip, he does not appreciate my mocking of his SOLDIER like persona.

I nudge him and ask him how he can be so boring when he lives with two children. He bows his head and looks away from me. He has a terrible habit of letting guilt eat away at him and one day, it could kill him. If only he'd realize that happiness is not a disease. I thought we've been over this before. I thought he was alright. But he lets things get to him way too easily and I wonder if he'll ever live in peace.

He tells me he just doesn't know how. He's so used to being miserable all the time that he's forgotten what it's like to smile.

Well smile then! Smile and smell the flowers. Isn't it lovely?

He nods but his lips don't budge, forever set in his ways, he is. This is getting old real quick. I need to think fast. I need to do something that'll change his mind. Why must he always be spoon-fed these things?

Step one: smile at him. I know how weak his knees get when I do it, it isn't a secret.

He wonders if mind-reading is part of a Cetra's powers. But it isn't the mind I can read; it's his heart, like an open book.

Step two: Blushing is a step up from frowning, I guess. But it isn't enough. It's nice how he thinks so fondly of me, even after everything that happened. I think it's cute. Then again, he's always been cute.

Now he's getting nervous and I can tell because he's gone quiet. The blush is still there and I notice the corners of his mouth twitch. Oh, well look how the SOLDIER melts into a puddle when the pretty flower girl flatters him. No need to be so timid and shy all the time. I thought we were closer than that.

He shakes his head and reminds me of his unanswered question. I'll answer him if he'd just crack a single smile; would it really kill him if he did? What did I have to do to get a laugh out of him? Embarrass myself again, like all those years ago?

Aha! A small sound escapes his mouth and he smiles, although you have to squint to see it. It barely counts and I can't believe mocking me is the only way Cloud Strife would lighten up around me. He denies that and looks at the ground.

So then, what?

Isn't the fact that he's seeing me, enough of a reason to be happy?

He says he is happy. He just isn't smiling.

No he isn't. If he was really happy, then there would be no need for this conversation. And he wouldn't have approached me with such a silly question in his head. The question, to him, is far from silly and he promises he'll give me a smile if I answer him.

But I know that's a lie. Because if I answer him and tell the truth, it would only make him even more upset with me.

He says he's never been upset with me. He just misses me. Wishes I was around again. He liked my company. And so, he feels like he has a right to know why, if nothing else.

There's nothing to tell, though. He knows how I feel. He knows what happened and how it played out. He is very well aware of my role in all of this. What else is there to tell?

He thinks I've misunderstood his question. I wonder if he's mocking my intelligence but I know him better than that.

He wants to know why I did it. Why I ran away from him. Why I didn't stay with him, when he needed me most. Why I wasn't mad at him for how he hurt me and let me down.

Not this again.

I remind him that I never blamed him and that I was never upset. I didn't leave because of him. I left because I had to.

He asks if he means anything to me at all. If I thought about him before leaving.

This subject is getting depressing, it's no wonder he's always so gloomy. Why does he think of all these horrible possibilities? Why can't he just smell the flowers and be happy, here with me?

Wake up, Cloud. I thought this was the real you.

Can I buy a smile from you? How much would it cost me, exactly?

He's quiet for a bit, maybe surprised by my question or maybe more surprised by my sudden closeness. I love the little freckle on his cheek.

He tells me it would be free. I only have to figure out the complicated code of getting it to work. Well then, I was going to give it my all. I would make Cloud Strife smile-no, laugh- even if it killed him.

I start to make funny faces.

His eyebrow shoots up but he doesn't smile.

Oh, fine.

How about a joke? Remember the time Barret dressed up in a sailor suit? That was pretty hilarious. A single corner of his mouth. We're getting somewhere!

How about the time he dressed up as a woman and won Don Corneo's attention for the night?

The smile fades and is replaced with a look of trauma.

Okay, bad example. At least I found it funny. And Tifa, too. I miss her.

Focus! Why is this so hard? I need to think harder.

Okay, I was running out of funny ideas. I wonder what the kids did when they got him to smile. He shrugs and says it's usually when they play around.

What sort of games did they play that made him laugh?

He tells me a story about Marlene climbing his back and attacking the delicate area underneath his chin with fervent tickles. She had him in tears and it was Tifa's fault because she had let it slip that he wasn't ticklish anywhere else. When he had tried fighting her off, Denzel joined in and prevented him from stopping her with Tifa also following suit, holding his arms down. They had him in tears on the floor and they laughed the entire night away that time.

There's a strange glow about him as he talks about them; his family. My heart aches and I can't help but feel left out; I wish it were me, oh how I wish it were me! It could have been...it might have been...

Enough! Focus on him.

But of course.

He's ticklish.

He's trying to pry me off when I attack his chin but it's already started; the laughter pouring out of his mouth, like a contagious and beautiful melody. The sound is so sweet that I can't help but laugh with him. I liked how both of our voices converged and echoed, it sounded lovely. It reminded me of the past, when we'd laugh like this before.

Except this time, it was Cloud Strife, the real one, who was laughing with me. Sure, he had his family. Sure, he had happy memories with them where they laughed and enjoyed his company. But nothing, nothing, would take away this moment. The moment only I got to share with him. This laughter, this smile, it belonged to me. And it was enough.

I was getting tired of tickling him and he was practically on the floor, laughing so hard. Seeing him like that, seeing the real Cloud, brought back my feelings for him and they came in a rush. Oh, Cloud.

If only you knew.

If only I could tell you.

If only I could say those words to you.

How much it is you mean to me, how I never forgot you, even when I left. How much it hurt me to make that decision; to choose abandoning your lonely heart when you needed me most. I want to tell you how much I wanted to stay. I was a coward, I didn't want to go. The thought of never seeing you again haunted me.

Oh, I didn't want to go.

I hated fate for what it did to me-to us.

I didn't want to die.

I wanted to wake up the next morning and watch you wake up next to me. I wanted to feel what I once felt so long ago with Zack, all over again. But with you.

I wanted you.

I want to be with you. Like this, forever and ever and my selfish heart wishes it so badly, even now. Even in death.

But I know, I know, given the chance to relive it again, I'd make the same choices. I'd leave you. For the planet. For my greater purpose.

Because you're okay now, anyways. You've got Tifa and the kids. Oh, I know you want me, too. And it hurts all the more because I know. It hurts and I can't fix it. I can't fix everything. It hurts because I want to be the one to see you come home, I want to be the one making you laugh, I want to be the girl sharing your room, your bed. I want to be the girl you open your heart to every day. Someone you can talk to about anything and everything. I want to be your best friend. I want to be your lover. A white wedding; it would have been beautiful. With so many flowers. So much happiness.

You and I, we could have been great together. I could keep you happy. I could keep you laughing forever, safe in my arms.

But I can't tell you. I can't. How can I? How can I say things like this to you? How can I damage what I've been trying so hard to fix? So stop with the questions and stop reminding me of how much I hate what I've done. And how much I hate myself for hating it.

The next time you ask me why I did it.

It might come out. I might just tell you.

Even if it means breaking my own heart all over again.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** _The idea is to be inside of Aerith's head and writing her every thought. Which is why it may seem incoherent at times. Any type of feedback is welcomed. :)_


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